Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
