they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
