you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
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