i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
