She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
