It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
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