you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
she pinky promised me she was 18
it's great music for shaving your balls
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize