I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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