hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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