i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
