I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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