I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
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we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
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The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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