please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
