She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
The struggles of a small town man whore
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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