Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
