she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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