If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
