the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
