You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
