If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
