she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
ACE Hardware Is Charging More For ‘Female’ Versions Of Identical Products And Twitter Is Pissed
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Everyone Is Loving This Dad Who Dressed Up As Alan From ‘The Hangover’ For His Trip To Vegas
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far