I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.