Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
