Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
