She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
