Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
