My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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