sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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