these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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