Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
