I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
