Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
