Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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