Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
