i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
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We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
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I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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