I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
