hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
