I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Randomize
