How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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