i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
