I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
