this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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