dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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