Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
