i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
