I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
