i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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