she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
