you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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