What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
