I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
