I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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