Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
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I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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