my phone needs a breathalizer
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
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You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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