I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
