I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
