If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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