Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
