Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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