I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
