brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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